"Destroy this _________"

Maybe I know people are evil and twisted, I just dont want to believe it. I hate realizing that someone you love is just using you...but yet I always continue to let them do it. "Come here" "Can you do this?" "Could you get me that?" Most of the friends Ive had in my life have always been the using type. And ive gotten better at reading them, and saying no. Now, when it comes to family...it just pisses me off.

SO, what if you do have a friend that uses you? What if they desperately need what they are asking you for? Well,they always made it before didnt they? Now im not saying that I dont like helping people out, in fact, I love it. I would do anything for the ones I love. But enough is enough. I guess im like my mom in this way-once i get it through my thick head that someone is using me I usually cut them off for good.

Anyway, I had a pretty good weekend. Other than almost breaking Nathan's finger. But it was payback for him almost lighting me on fire lol.

My dad asked me this question today, "If you are learning about God and wanting more, but you have not been literally 'saved' should you be able to join a baptist church?" Thats just something to think about. :)

I got a new fish, seeing how all my others died. He is a betta fish. (I usually do pretty good at keeping these alive, its the tropical fish I have bad luck with) I named him happy because the second I put him in his tank he swam and swam and swam...and i could tell he was as happy as could be! :D

We are be audited at work...so this gives me plenty of free time to blog as I wish. Even though I should be writing my paper and studying for my test...somehow i always get off track.

Ramble Ramble

So, I'm feelin a bit like rev run lounging in a bathtub blogging on my cell phone. The only difference is, I'm lacking bubbles and a camera pointed at me. Which is a very good thing. Since I've already blogged once today, I will try to keep this one short...but no promises.

I've realized lately that I don't allow things to hinder me like I used to. I no longer base my feelings on other peoples actions. And I don't think that my life has been a mistake by any means. Everything that has happened has had a specific reason and I'm thankful to be away from the chains that used to hold me down. I need to remind myself that I do this for myself, not others...and I dont need to prove anything to anyone.

This world is insane. People are insane. We make each other insane. Im reading a book called "Big Girls" it's kinda crazy, but im thoroughly enjoying it. I have a new respect for people who are in prison. Especially women. I used to say "prison doesnt seem so bad" but now I know its the things that we dont realize that drive people nuts. Prison in itself drives them crazy. The psychiatrists that work in these prisons are simply hardcore. I look up to them a lot, but im sure some are heartless. Much like the officers who ridicule and harm the inmates. Females get inevitably screwed up when they are talked down to. They need to be loved. Its funny to me that the bible says the man needs to love his wife, but all the woman has to do is respect her husband. Each side plays a completely different role, and we (myself included) need to stop trying to take over each others roles.

Sometimes I catch myself trying to control the ones I love out of protection. I dont want my boyfriend hanging out with some of his friends who drink, knowing that he always had the self control to leave before I came along. I dont want my grandparents going to a political party with their friends because its "too late" but arent they adults? lol I think im just ridiculous.

Going to Georgia this weekend really opened my eyes to how much I need my mom in my life. Even if we fight. Its okay. I would love to be with her and have a fight like old times. Atleast we know we care. Sunday when I got home I was feeling a bit on the empty side and was on the edge of crying all night. When finally the flood gates were opened because I got my feelings hurt by my step mom. I love her to death, but she knows how to hit my buttons. I went upstairs and cried uncontrollably for a long period of time. Until finally I thought "this is ridiculous" because I literally could NOT stop. So, I got in the shower and stood there. Next thing I knew I was sitting in the tub with water falling on me crying like a baby. Pathetic. I know. I think I bonded with myself lol. Its humbling to know that God is the only one who can make you feel any better. It was also humbling to ask for help for once. I decided I WILL do something to change mine and my moms relationship. And God always pulls through, the next morning my mom texted me wanting to get together. :)

Enough for tonight.

God is love.
Rev Shelby

I took my love and I took it down...to Georgia.

Sometimes I forget how complicated people are. Then again, maybe I remember, I just choose to not notice. I dont like to think that I am complicated, but God knows I am. haha You might be thinking "what does that matter?" Well, I have no idea.

So...life has been extremely good for me lately. My boyfriend Nathan has got to be in the top three list of "The best men I've ever loved" This list includes my dad, papa, and him..of course. I dont have patience, and I learn it from him everyday. He makes me slow down and look at the big picture the simple way. He isnt confusing, and he's always there for me no matter how big of a jerk I've been. So, thats good. Also, he gets my sense of humor which is a big deal bc sometimes I can be quite hard to figure out.

I have some great friends, and its nice to have a friend "couple" to hang around with no one feeling like a third wheel. Its pretty cool to have people to help keep you accountable without being pushy. lol


So I guess I will bring up this past weekend. It was great, I went to Georgia with my moms side of that family (hence the title) My mom didnt go, but I wish she would have.

I met a lot of amazing old folks at this reunion, and fell in love with my family members. My uncle Jim spoiled me the whole time buying me stuff and when I told him he didnt have to, he came back with "I never said I had to do shit, its what I want to do" So, nonetheless, I picked out a purse and shut my mouth. Ive decided mine and Nathan's first son will be named James. After his dad and my uncle Jim (his real name is James) I think Nathan kinda agreed, but Im not sure. lol

I cant wait until Thanksgiving. Hopefully Nathan will be coming to Missouri with me once again. He comes everytime I go, which is all the time. He has already met all of my family, and they consider him part of the family also. So of course they would love for him to be there. My gramps love him, and he loves them...possibly more than he loves me lol. Nah...I take that back.

Im so happy its raining today.

I havent blogged in a while as you can tell so im trying to make sure im not leaving anything out. Which im sure I am.