Ramble Ramble

So, I'm feelin a bit like rev run lounging in a bathtub blogging on my cell phone. The only difference is, I'm lacking bubbles and a camera pointed at me. Which is a very good thing. Since I've already blogged once today, I will try to keep this one short...but no promises.

I've realized lately that I don't allow things to hinder me like I used to. I no longer base my feelings on other peoples actions. And I don't think that my life has been a mistake by any means. Everything that has happened has had a specific reason and I'm thankful to be away from the chains that used to hold me down. I need to remind myself that I do this for myself, not others...and I dont need to prove anything to anyone.

This world is insane. People are insane. We make each other insane. Im reading a book called "Big Girls" it's kinda crazy, but im thoroughly enjoying it. I have a new respect for people who are in prison. Especially women. I used to say "prison doesnt seem so bad" but now I know its the things that we dont realize that drive people nuts. Prison in itself drives them crazy. The psychiatrists that work in these prisons are simply hardcore. I look up to them a lot, but im sure some are heartless. Much like the officers who ridicule and harm the inmates. Females get inevitably screwed up when they are talked down to. They need to be loved. Its funny to me that the bible says the man needs to love his wife, but all the woman has to do is respect her husband. Each side plays a completely different role, and we (myself included) need to stop trying to take over each others roles.

Sometimes I catch myself trying to control the ones I love out of protection. I dont want my boyfriend hanging out with some of his friends who drink, knowing that he always had the self control to leave before I came along. I dont want my grandparents going to a political party with their friends because its "too late" but arent they adults? lol I think im just ridiculous.

Going to Georgia this weekend really opened my eyes to how much I need my mom in my life. Even if we fight. Its okay. I would love to be with her and have a fight like old times. Atleast we know we care. Sunday when I got home I was feeling a bit on the empty side and was on the edge of crying all night. When finally the flood gates were opened because I got my feelings hurt by my step mom. I love her to death, but she knows how to hit my buttons. I went upstairs and cried uncontrollably for a long period of time. Until finally I thought "this is ridiculous" because I literally could NOT stop. So, I got in the shower and stood there. Next thing I knew I was sitting in the tub with water falling on me crying like a baby. Pathetic. I know. I think I bonded with myself lol. Its humbling to know that God is the only one who can make you feel any better. It was also humbling to ask for help for once. I decided I WILL do something to change mine and my moms relationship. And God always pulls through, the next morning my mom texted me wanting to get together. :)

Enough for tonight.

God is love.
Rev Shelby