"Destroy this _________"

Maybe I know people are evil and twisted, I just dont want to believe it. I hate realizing that someone you love is just using you...but yet I always continue to let them do it. "Come here" "Can you do this?" "Could you get me that?" Most of the friends Ive had in my life have always been the using type. And ive gotten better at reading them, and saying no. Now, when it comes to family...it just pisses me off.

SO, what if you do have a friend that uses you? What if they desperately need what they are asking you for? Well,they always made it before didnt they? Now im not saying that I dont like helping people out, in fact, I love it. I would do anything for the ones I love. But enough is enough. I guess im like my mom in this way-once i get it through my thick head that someone is using me I usually cut them off for good.

Anyway, I had a pretty good weekend. Other than almost breaking Nathan's finger. But it was payback for him almost lighting me on fire lol.

My dad asked me this question today, "If you are learning about God and wanting more, but you have not been literally 'saved' should you be able to join a baptist church?" Thats just something to think about. :)

I got a new fish, seeing how all my others died. He is a betta fish. (I usually do pretty good at keeping these alive, its the tropical fish I have bad luck with) I named him happy because the second I put him in his tank he swam and swam and swam...and i could tell he was as happy as could be! :D

We are be audited at work...so this gives me plenty of free time to blog as I wish. Even though I should be writing my paper and studying for my test...somehow i always get off track.

Ramble Ramble

So, I'm feelin a bit like rev run lounging in a bathtub blogging on my cell phone. The only difference is, I'm lacking bubbles and a camera pointed at me. Which is a very good thing. Since I've already blogged once today, I will try to keep this one short...but no promises.

I've realized lately that I don't allow things to hinder me like I used to. I no longer base my feelings on other peoples actions. And I don't think that my life has been a mistake by any means. Everything that has happened has had a specific reason and I'm thankful to be away from the chains that used to hold me down. I need to remind myself that I do this for myself, not others...and I dont need to prove anything to anyone.

This world is insane. People are insane. We make each other insane. Im reading a book called "Big Girls" it's kinda crazy, but im thoroughly enjoying it. I have a new respect for people who are in prison. Especially women. I used to say "prison doesnt seem so bad" but now I know its the things that we dont realize that drive people nuts. Prison in itself drives them crazy. The psychiatrists that work in these prisons are simply hardcore. I look up to them a lot, but im sure some are heartless. Much like the officers who ridicule and harm the inmates. Females get inevitably screwed up when they are talked down to. They need to be loved. Its funny to me that the bible says the man needs to love his wife, but all the woman has to do is respect her husband. Each side plays a completely different role, and we (myself included) need to stop trying to take over each others roles.

Sometimes I catch myself trying to control the ones I love out of protection. I dont want my boyfriend hanging out with some of his friends who drink, knowing that he always had the self control to leave before I came along. I dont want my grandparents going to a political party with their friends because its "too late" but arent they adults? lol I think im just ridiculous.

Going to Georgia this weekend really opened my eyes to how much I need my mom in my life. Even if we fight. Its okay. I would love to be with her and have a fight like old times. Atleast we know we care. Sunday when I got home I was feeling a bit on the empty side and was on the edge of crying all night. When finally the flood gates were opened because I got my feelings hurt by my step mom. I love her to death, but she knows how to hit my buttons. I went upstairs and cried uncontrollably for a long period of time. Until finally I thought "this is ridiculous" because I literally could NOT stop. So, I got in the shower and stood there. Next thing I knew I was sitting in the tub with water falling on me crying like a baby. Pathetic. I know. I think I bonded with myself lol. Its humbling to know that God is the only one who can make you feel any better. It was also humbling to ask for help for once. I decided I WILL do something to change mine and my moms relationship. And God always pulls through, the next morning my mom texted me wanting to get together. :)

Enough for tonight.

God is love.
Rev Shelby

I took my love and I took it down...to Georgia.

Sometimes I forget how complicated people are. Then again, maybe I remember, I just choose to not notice. I dont like to think that I am complicated, but God knows I am. haha You might be thinking "what does that matter?" Well, I have no idea.

So...life has been extremely good for me lately. My boyfriend Nathan has got to be in the top three list of "The best men I've ever loved" This list includes my dad, papa, and him..of course. I dont have patience, and I learn it from him everyday. He makes me slow down and look at the big picture the simple way. He isnt confusing, and he's always there for me no matter how big of a jerk I've been. So, thats good. Also, he gets my sense of humor which is a big deal bc sometimes I can be quite hard to figure out.

I have some great friends, and its nice to have a friend "couple" to hang around with no one feeling like a third wheel. Its pretty cool to have people to help keep you accountable without being pushy. lol


So I guess I will bring up this past weekend. It was great, I went to Georgia with my moms side of that family (hence the title) My mom didnt go, but I wish she would have.

I met a lot of amazing old folks at this reunion, and fell in love with my family members. My uncle Jim spoiled me the whole time buying me stuff and when I told him he didnt have to, he came back with "I never said I had to do shit, its what I want to do" So, nonetheless, I picked out a purse and shut my mouth. Ive decided mine and Nathan's first son will be named James. After his dad and my uncle Jim (his real name is James) I think Nathan kinda agreed, but Im not sure. lol

I cant wait until Thanksgiving. Hopefully Nathan will be coming to Missouri with me once again. He comes everytime I go, which is all the time. He has already met all of my family, and they consider him part of the family also. So of course they would love for him to be there. My gramps love him, and he loves them...possibly more than he loves me lol. Nah...I take that back.

Im so happy its raining today.

I havent blogged in a while as you can tell so im trying to make sure im not leaving anything out. Which im sure I am.

Anything Goes.

Times have changed,
And we've often rewound the clock,
Since the Puritans got a shock,
When they landed on Plymouth Rock.
If today,
Any shock they should try to stem,
'Stead of landing on Plymouth Rock,
Plymouth Rock would land on them.

In olden days a glimpse of stocking
Was looked on as something shocking,
But now, God knows,
Anything Goes.

Good authors too who once knew better words,
Now only use four letter words
Writing prose, Anything Goes.

The world has gone mad today
And good's bad today,
And black's white today,
And day's night today,
When most guys today
That women prize today
Are just silly gigolos
And though I'm not a great romancer
I know that I'm bound to answer
When you propose,
Anything goes

When grandmama whose age is eighty
In night clubs is getting matey with gigolo's,
Anything Goes.

When mothers pack and leave poor father
Because they decide they'd rather be tennis pros,
Anything Goes.

If driving fast cars you like,
If low bars you like,
If old hymns you like,
If bare limbs you like,
If Mae West you like
Or me undressed you like,
Why, nobody will oppose!
When every night,
The set that's smart
Is intruding in nudist parties in studios,
Anything Goes.

The world has gone mad today
And good's bad today,
And black's white today,
And day's night today,
When most guys today
That women prize today
Are just silly gigolos
And though I'm not a great romancer
I know that I'm bound to answer
When you propose,
Anything goes

If saying your prayers you like,
If green pears you like
If old chairs you like,
If back stairs you like,
If love affairs you like
With young bears you like,
Why nobody will oppose!

And though I'm not a great romancer
And though I'm not a great romancer
I know that I'm bound to answer
When you propose,
Anything goes...
Anything goes!

Hebrews 10:37

Today I'm feeling quite artsy for some reason. I honestly suck at drawing and painting of any kind...but I do enjoy it very much. I haven't ever shown people things that I have done because I know they are bad. I love watercolors...something about how you can make it lighter or bolder by the amount of water you use amuses me. There are many different methods you can use and I love all of them.

I have been teaching myself how to play the guitar lately. I like it, it's beautiful and takes a lot of patience...something I lack a lot of. God can teach you some amazing things through simple stuff like playing the guitar.

Some of God's techniques make me laugh. I was thinking last night how Satan can trick us into doing stupid things, but how God ALWAYS without fail knows how to use even those things for his own glory. I have learned more things out of mistakes I have made than in any sermon I have ever heard. This is true. This is life. And I'm stuck living it. Sometimes I get tired of heartache and struggles, but God put me on this Earth for a reason and I will glorify him even if it hurts. Although, I can't wait to be in heaven with him for eternity.

I heard an amazing testimony last night at church by a man named Marshall...I only hope one day I can have his attitude. I would love to release nothing by positivity to others through my life. How rewarding?

And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. Hebrews 11:6

We memorized that in discipleship and I love it. Diligently seeking after Christ requires faith, and without faith it is impossible to please Him.

"You're way down,
full of something,
underneath it all..
Hold your head up high,
there's no need to rush,
We're all just waiting...
waiting to die."

I am off of work tomorrow...SCORE.

Don't say goodbye.

With Love from Christ,
Shelby Owen Esther

Labeling Feelings

I want to go on a camping trip. No cell phones. In the woods. Bathe in the river. Sleep in a tent. I just want to be away. Not alone, but away. I think this would be amazing. Go hiking, swimming, fishing. Lovely.

What is this damage?
I have done to myself.
Some illness passed down from earlier generations.
Maybe just a slick pry to change.
It's hard to preceed,
The words start coming,
won't they stop?
Oh my God,
Please stop this growing anticipation.
A need for attention,
A need for love.
Either. Or neither.

Kiss My Grits (A homecooked meal)

...and he was right. They do, in fact, have good sweet tea. The only downfall-right next door is the hotel where a lady was murdered and shoved under the mattress, only to be found months later. How disturbing....also makes me not want to eat my cheeseburger after my dad informs me of the mishaps. <--mis-haps? Is that right? Anyway...

Probably the biggest thing I miss about living in Missouri is soul-winning. It takes courage, and a lot of self-control. Walking up to someone's door randomly and knocking on it, just to get it slammed in your face might be a little crushing to your ego, but for God's glory it's so worth it.

Yesterday, on the way home from Missouri, I was thinking a lot of my relationships with people and what they really think of me. I came to the conclusion that I can't really be myself that easily around people I care about. The truth is, if I would just let myself be who I really am they would probably like me even more. I'm not sure if many people would really take the time and effort to get to know me, or even care...but that would be unfair to them. And for me to expect that is a little selfish.

My water colors are calling my name...

Thank you Lord for this day, even though it was quite crappy. You let the sun shine, and that was all I needed.

Nice Evening,
Shelby Owen Esther

Simply Strategic

Heads turned away,
the back is all I see.
Nausea fills my empty body,
shivering in the cold, nostalgic air.
Ink covers them,
screaming, pounding, bleeding.
Everything comes together,
and then falls apart.
Piercing daylight,
drowning night.
How must we conform?
Perfect as a rose, I see.
The petals falling slowly.
Filthy, greedy, out of touch.
How will this end?
All with your redeeming blood,
We will never thirst again.


I was wondering last night who is really in control. While we were riding horses, my dad was telling me that if you don't fully take control (being forceful) then the horse will take control and you eventually won't have any say. The horse will do what it wants, when it pleases. It will fight you the whole time, and get caught up in stubborness. In the end though, the horse really has no choice. If they would just let the master take the lead, and be in control...the whole ride would be much smoother with no problems. I should let God be in control more, because afterall...isn't he in control ANYWAYS? If I would stop fighting it, the ride would be much smoother.

"When you walk, your step will not be hampered,
and if you run, you will not stumble." Proverbs 4:12

I think that's all for today...not much is going through my head today :)

With Love from Christ Alone,
Shelby Owen Esther

Pledging to Accept

Lost in dreamland, you suddenly jolt up and look around. Your alarm has decided to not go off every Monday for the past three weeks, and as soon as you open your eyes you can tell this isn't going to be a great day. It is now 7:17 and you're supposed to leave your house at 7:20. Throwing on whatever comes at you first, the thought of skipping comes to mind. Then you remember that if you miss one more day you will be dropped from the class. Finally, at 7:34 you are sprinting out to your car. For the remainder of the day, everything gets under your skin. You are annoyed by every little thing that passes, and even your teachers voice gets on your nerves. Work comes around and you can't seem to do anything right, never being able to please anyone.

Laying in bed that night, your mind is scanning through the day. Suddenly, you remember a math test you have tomorrow. On top of that, you can't stop thinking about this guy you have a crush on that didn't exactly make an effort to speak to you today. Drifting off to sleep, you decide to "let God handle it"

You won't lose sleep on thinking about how many teens in America get pregnant yearly. Moreover, the amount of babies that will be aborted just this month. You won't worry about how many people are dying every minute, just to find themselves burning in Hell for eternity. The thought of people in Africa who are contracting and spreading Aids will never cross your mind. You won't be bothered by the thought of how many homeless people are roaming around Memphis nightly with no comfy bed to sleep in, or a pillow to rest their head on.

Today I was reading this book I bought Saturday. It reminded me of how horrible sex before marriage really is. Not just because of the obvious, but because of how it can tear apart your heart also. Even just oral sex. One line in the book said "There is no way to get around it.....no condom is big enough to cover a whole human heart." How true. Don't be on level "Easy" it's not just a game of solitare on your computer, it's life. It's heartbreak.


I want to be a social worker because I understand how it feels to go through pain. Someone who has never felt pain, and has never experienced true love should never have a job like that in my opinion. It's like a Foreigner trying to teach a American their own language. They wouldn't understand where that American is coming from.

Two weeks ago I had this Psychology test that I completely forgot about. I knew I needed to read my bible that morning, but instead I decided to study. I failed. Miserably. (and psychology is one of my better classes)
Last week the same thing happened, except it was in my weakest subject, math. I decided to skip studying and read my bible like I knew I should. I just knew I would fail. I knew none of the material....I made an A!

Thank you Lord for being everything I need. You continue to amaze me.

With Love from Christ Alone,
Shelby Owen Esther

Steven.

Today I woke up to rain. Well, clouds and drizzles rather.
Today I got corrected.
Today I did not work.
Today I got my hair done.
Today I saw the hurting.
Today I had lunch with my parents.
Today I screamed.
Today I missed.
Today was today, and that's all it was.
Today was a blessing.
Today God let me wake up, to breathe, to praise him.
Today God let me smile, enjoy, and understand.


With Love from Christ Alone,
Shelby Esther

Jeans Fading as Flowers

Sometimes I see my life as a road. And I'm the car. I don't know where this road will lead, and at night it is dark and empty. No one in sight. During the day it's bright, full of people and chaos. This road is also lined with traffic lights, some are red, and some are green....and of course yellow. Oftentimes I will choose to keep going even when the light is red. Then there is a collision and my world is turn upside down, twisted and confused. Other instances the light will be green, and I will again go, but sometimes it will be yellow....telling me I need to slow down. God is the ruler of these traffic lights, he will show you when you need to stop or go, or even just slow down.



I love it when people write me letters or notes. On a piece of paper, like in the old days. It makes it so much more meaningful to me, to think that someone actually sat down and took the time to write me. Sometimes I write my friends letters and send them in the mail. I think it's a nice surprise.

I have been having these weird feelings lately that something is going to happen to me, whether something happens or not I just want people to know that I love them. God is the only good in us. I read soemthing the other day in my Social Working book that said "It is the Social Worker that holds everything together. The Social Worker is the constant; the GLUE." Going into the Social Working field, I agree with this statement. But all I could seem to think about was, "Why can't we just let GOD be the glue?" We can't hold anything together without God, so what's the point in trying?

I would appreciate it if you would pray for me, I need it. Everyone does.

With Love from Christ,
Shelby Owen Esther

Twisted Thinking

I hate how you made me feel about myself. I hate the way you treated me, they way you act, the way you smell, things you say. So why don't I hate you? I hate these craters in my head that are filled with lies from you.

I hate the way I make myself feel. I hate how I act sometimes, how I can't get over things and just move on. How do I know what is the truth, and what are lies?

And I'm here to remind you,
Of the mess you left when you went away,
It's not fair to deny me,
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me.

I have nothing to cherish from you, you only gave me heart ache to carry around like luggage tied to my back. Sin is being so good about something and ruining it in a blink of an eye. That's how it works, THAT'S why we need a savior.

Alanis Morissette isn't anywhere close to being your typical "role model" HAHA. For some reason she has always explained things to me in a way that I can understand and somewhat relate with through her music. It helps me release my anger and hostility without getting too crazy! :)

To me, friends are the most precious gift God has ever given me. I love these "healthy" relationships that are blossoming with other people through God.


"Lead me in the right path, O Lord, or my enemies will conquer me. Tell me clearly what to do and show me which way to turn." Psalms 5:8

With Love Only from Christ,
Shelby Owen Esther

My New....um....Revelation?

Is it weird that the one in my life that I am closest to is my dog? I think it's because he loves me. He is devoted in a way that no one else is. His focus is fully on me at all times. I know with out a shadow of a doubt that when I come home he will be waiting on me.

Now that I am a "blogee" I guess I am expected to explain in detail all the things that run through my head daily. At first, I have a pretty good idea of this. But unfortunately it isn't that easy. I wish in some way you could dissect my head and retract all of my thoughts and feelings, but there is no way you would ever comprehend. Sure, if you have problems you could go to a friend, but would they truly understand? No.

Sometimes when I am in a room full of people I notice how it is so easy for them to converse back and forth about the things of this world and what they are experiencing. I learn new things about myslef daily. I don't understand myself, much less what I need to do to change.

One thing that I am sure of, I absolutley LOVE to be there for people. Not that I can fix or take away anything that they might be going through, but just the fact that I was a shoulder to cry on makes all the difference. I needed someone like this when I was broken.


A few days ago I drove a truck pulling a horse trailer for the first time. My dad was with me, but I was so nervous! As I sat there, I noticed that I was depending on my dad to tell me what to do next, or how wide to turn, or when to push the break. Every move I made was entrusted in him. I started to wonder, why can't I let God be like that to me? Why don't I just sit back, and let him show me which way to turn, or what move to make? Every once in a while the horses would move in the trailer and it would jerk the whole truck. It's the same way with life isn't it? When someone else knocks you over, or jerks you to the side, God will be right there helping you back up and putting you on the correct path once again.

With Love from Christ,
Shelby Owen Esther